Mother’s day naturally requires a mother related post. But for some reason it’s a harder subject for me to write about.
I think the whole topic is personal and I know that this day in particular can be sensitive on so many levels.
I didn’t grow up with a “Mother heart” – longing for the days when I’d have my own kids. In fact, quite the opposite. I had big dreams of an advertising agency job and wasn’t quite sure if I’d be good at the mothering gig. I had a wonderful, loving and patient mother and I’m sure it broke her heart just a bit when I continual claimed I didn’t want that life.
But life is funny – and rarely can we predict our own future. I met Steve and I loved him and he wanted nothing more than to have a family. And by that time, I had matured considerably and I too wanted kids but I was still a little concerned that motherhood might be a tough fit. And never did I imagine 5 kids.
Even after years of practice – motherhood has never come easy.
I enjoy alone time – which doesn’t happen as a mom.
I have high expectations – which is hard with kids.
I think logically – which doesn’t translate well to three year olds.
I’m sarcastic – which confuses kids.
It seems as though everything a good mother is, is something I don’t naturally have and something I have to work really hard for. But for me it’s something that’s worth working for; it is the life I chose whole heartedly. Those five tiny humans are my greatest project. They are always on my to-do list and they occupy the majority of my thoughts.
Motherhood is a long journey. I am not the mother today that I was when Hallie was born. I’ve grown. I’ve changed. And my perspective is different. There have been great rewarding moments where I’ve been overcome with gratitude that this is my life. And I’ve also had periods of depression that I didn’t know existed – where I would’ve easily walked away from my life. And then there’s everything in between. The daily moments of laughter and equal moments of worry that comprise that majority of my life.
It’s laundry. Kids telling jokes. Piano practice. Finding missing shoes. Cooking dinner. Reading scriptures. Helping with math homework. Shooting hoops. Building forts. Mopping floors. Movie nights. Middle of the night wake up calls. Evening bike rides. Kids that tease. Chore charts. Lawn work. School programs. Prayer. Grocery shopping. Service. Tough conversations. Messy craft projects. The list is never ending.
It’s motherhood. It’s my greatest and most challenging work.